Are you feeling hopeless about your marriage? Do you think wistfully of the past and wish for a deeper connection? Do you want to feel loving toward your spouse again?

     Research tells us that happily married people are healthier, emotionally and physically, than their single counterparts. They are wealthier, and have stronger immune systems. They even live longer! Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship that fuels the flames of passion. The marital friendship protects a couple against feeling adversarial toward each other.

     Over time, irritation, anger, and resentment can build to the point that you can’t even imagine being friends with your spouse. If you feel like this, you and your spouse may be good candidates for couple’s counseling. Unfortunately, couples often give up too easily. They give up out of pain, frustration, and a sense of hopelessness because they don’t know what else to do. They lack the skills to repair damaged relationships.

     No marriage, regardless of outward appearances, is without its challenges. Couples who build and maintain successful marriages see their difficulties as opportunities for a richer, deeper connection. Without conflict and the willingness to work through it, a marriage gets stuck. Avoiding conflict is not the answer anymore than fighting dirty is.

     An honest conversation is your next step toward building a strong marriage. We can help you to have that conversation. You can begin to understand how each of you is contributing to the problem. You can learn a whole new set of skills so you can connect with each other again.

     Couple counseling can help you learn to “fight” effectively. If you are willing to make an honest effort, your marriage will become a safe haven. A culture of appreciation will replace frustration, resentment, and hurt.

      You can maximize the benefits of couple therapy by becoming aware of mistakes others have made when coming to therapy. In our years in the therapy room, we have noted a number of traps that sabotage your work. Here is a “not to do” list that can help you become a savvy and informed consumer. (Keep in mind that the following “ten fool proof ways” is to be read strictly---“tongue-in-cheek”.)

Ten Fool Proof Ways to Fail in Couples Therapy

1. Only come to therapy in CRISIS or six years after your relationship has gone sour.
2. Keep in mind that your ultimate goal in couple's therapy is to prove that you are right and your partner is wrong.
3. In the couple's session, provide DETAILED evidence to enlighten your therapist as to how incorrigible your spouse is. Employ a variety of strategies to evoke your therapist’s sympathy for your marital misery.
4. Always operate on the assumption that your partner's motives are bad and that your motives are good.
5. Find ways to humiliate your partner in the session. Be creative. Tell your therapist that your partner says “that therapist’s taste in furniture ought to be illegal.”
6. If, for any reason, things get too uncomfortable in the session, fold your arms tightly and give both the therapist and your partner the "silent treatment.”
7. If your partner gets too emotional, roll your eyes, and dismiss him/her with a wave of your hand.
8. When your therapist makes a suggestion let her know you have already tried it and that "it didn't work". Always start your reply with the words “yes, but….”
9. Just before you walk out of your therapy session, drop a "bomb" which will insure a nasty fight with your partner that will continue in the parking lot and on the way home.
10. If all else fails, use couple therapy to conveniently end your marriage. That way, you can always impress the new person in your life, all your friends, and yourself that at least you TRIED.

      Most couples come to therapy with the best of intentions. That said, too often they fall into these traps and set themselves up for failure. When we see a couple in the office, we can see the very dynamic the couple is caught up in at home. A skilled therapist understands that both partners are simply making their best efforts to get what they want and need. Their bitter and painful communication patterns are a starting point for the work. These patterns provide the therapist with valuable information as well as an opportunity to teach couples a more effective way to engage and connect.

      Prominent marital researcher, John Gottman, has done extensive research in observing couples as they interact. For over thirty years, this work has led him to predict (with more than 90% accuracy) which marriages will last and which will fail. Dr. Gottman has identified the behaviors that healthy, happy and loving couples engage in, that result in long-lasting marriages, as well as the unhealthy patterns of conflicted, disillusioned and unhappy couples. Using these findings as a blue print we gently lead couples through the process of relinquishing painful, destructive, and ineffective habits while building a strong, marital friendship. Couple therapy provides an opportunity for a second chance. You can still have the marriage you’ve always wanted.